So this is the first chapter :D I hope you enjoy it and I want to see your feedbacks..
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9ale7: PING!!!
9ale7: PING!!!
9ale7: PING!!!
& suddenly I woke up from all the vibrating that is coming from my phone.
I took my blackberry and found million pings from 9ale7 :$
Joury: shfeeek shnw? :O
9ale7: La bs 2shtgt lch :$
Joury: Aww 7beeby 2shtgt lk akthr :*
9ale7: Inzein yalla 7yatei goumi '3sli wyhch 3shan n6l3 m3 b3'6 b3d tdreen elyoum elweekend w ... abi ashoufch :D
Joury: Inshalla ok bs wain?
9ale7: wain tbeen?
Joury: umm Lagoona?
9ale7: wain ng3d f Lagoona?
Joury: Sugar & Spice DUUH!
9ale7: Hhhh 5la9 ok ({})
Joury: eee w elsa3a km?
9ale7: 2 ok?
Joury: ee okaay :D e7een 12 bagoum atsb7 w abrz w t3al mrni ent
9ale7: mafei 7d f baitkm?
Joury: Laa Jassom ra7 yt'3da f Landmark m3 rb3a w b3deen byro7 elmjls w mabyrj3 ela flail! w Nada 6al3a m3 mama they went to the ma3ra'6 a'6n la2na sm3t'hm ams ga3deen ysolfon ygolon ybi yrou7on w baba msafr:)
9ale7: ok 7beebty 2 ana 3nd baitkm, b6rshlch pings awl maw9l!
Joury: ok 7uuuby <3
And so I went to wash my face and take a shower and then I went to change and wear anything I could find Because I'll be wearing my 3baya over it so mb lazm aksh5 in my clothes.
Then I added some makeup not too much because I was only going to Lagoona not a wedding:)
I straightened my hair and made it into a slick pony tail. I wasn't mt7jba so I didn't need to wear my shaila. I wore my Louboutin heels and went downstairs to wait for 9ale7 to come!
while I was waiting I called my mum
Me: Aloo
Mama: halla 7beebty shfeech!
Me: La bs b'3eeit agolch enei b6l3 m3 Hanouf ok
Mama: ok 7beebty deery balch 3la nafsch w latt25reein
Me: La lt7ateen I'll be back at 4 or 5 chi
Mama: ok have fun yalla m3 elslama
Me: m3 elslama
I hung up and after a while my phone was vibrating.
Out/ 9ale7: PING!!!
Out/ 9ale7: PING!!!
Out/ 9ale7: PING!!!
Joury: bsk pingat e7een b6l3 m3 wyhk -_-
Out/ 9ale7: Hhhh kaaify a7b asweilch ping :P
Out/ 9ale7: Yalla 6l3y 2n6rch yal 7ub:*
So I went outside and found him wearing thoub with Qtra & 3gal which was so hot on him!! D5lt elsyara w g3dt bs a6al3a walla he's so cute :(
9ale7: shfeech t6al3eeny chthi ? he smirked
Me: Haa la wla shay
9ale7: adrei I'm sexy walla (a)
Me: Hahahaha trust me your not!
I lied he is :(
9ale7: inzein mafei slam?
Me: oh sorry halla walla hallaa blzain klaa
My face turned red I looked like a tomato
9ale7: yalbeeh fdaitch ana
He kissed my cheeks and I blushed:$
Me: fdaak klei
9ale7: sh5barch?
Me: tmam w ent?
9ale7: Ana tmam damch tmam
And he winked *_* My face became even redder and he noticed!
9ale7: Fdaait el6ma6a! he started laughing
Me: Inzein bs yalla chub w 7rk :$
So we arrived Lagoona, we entered and sat in Sugar & Spice
9ale7: shnw tbeein takleein?
Me: umm abi red velvet cake
9ale7: allaah w ana b3d ba5th nafsch
Me: Laish 7beeby 2kl m3ay tra wayed w ana ma b5l9a
9ale7: elei yry7ch, w elmshroob?
Me: abeei hot chocolate
9ale7: ee w ana nfsch ba5th
Me: Hhhh laish kla nafsi tbi?
9ale7: bs kaify abi kel shay nafsch
ya5eeei walla CUUTE!
Me: Hhh 7yateei ent!
Lfeeit wajhi ela ashof wa7ed ga3d y5zni w ga3d m3 4 boys, uff shyabi? should I tell 9ale7? wla la la bykbr elsalfa 3gb
9ale7: shfeech 7beebty sr7ana?
Me: Haaa la wla shay
9ale7: ok yalla jabo el2kl 2klei
Me: Inshalla
Me: Allaah yummy 7lo 63m elredvelvet cake
9ale7: ee wayed 7lo! 3jbni elcafe
I smiled.
so lfeeit wajhi again ela ashof elwld lei7eein 3eina 3lay! shyabi thy?
Anyways 5l9na nakl df3na elbill w g3dna ntmsha I told 9ale7 I wanted to go to the Ladies bathroom to freshen up and he said he wanted to smoke too.
w fj2aa while I was walking!
I saw ......................................
So Im just going to give you some constructive criticism that should help you straighten out the rest of yyour story.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all i dont think your story is really that original. im not saying its someone elses, im just saying that its the typical story that EVERYONE is writing. Why not be different and do something no one did.
Second of all. People have LONG hair.. not tall hair.
and the whole thing with everyone being tanned is just... I know its in style but over using it a bit too much
& third. "I saw....................."
NO SUSPENSE whatsoever.
too many periods. the way you did it is just, no effect, it seems boring does not make me want to keep reading..
yeah thats it .. goodluck .. seriously spice this story up .. or dont bother.
I respect your opinion and I changed the tall thingy it was a mistake -.- and it is original because its all made up from my mind and its just the first chapter so don't judge that much! and For the "I saw..." thingy I wanted to make it a little more interesting for the readers and surprising! I will spice it up just wait ya3ni its just the first chapter bsmella =))!
ReplyDeleteقريت نص القصه أو الروايه كلش مأعجبتني ليه كاتبه بالمعرب أحس حلاته عربي. وشكراً :*
ReplyDeletebl3ks walla 7lat elq9a blm3rb, mshkoura:*
DeleteLove the chapter & I'm going to read the rest :D
ReplyDeleteBTW! Ignore their comments and keep going sweety! <3
Thankyouuuuuuuuuuu<333 inshalla:*
DeleteLoved* :p
ReplyDelete<33
DeleteIn love with this already!
ReplyDelete:$ thanks<3
DeleteI started reading l2na just now I saw you had a blog!
ReplyDeleteLooks interesting :)
enjoyy, thanks<3
Deleteجميله بس فيه بعض الكلام الانجليزي مافهمته ياليت تخلينه كله معرب.
ReplyDeletei loved it soo muchh! please please please write another one like this. galbyy!
ReplyDeleteplease check mine out too, i just started http://alittlesecretlovestory.blogspot.com/